Posted by: OHgalinSoCal | September 4, 2013

A Cold in the Heat

Ya know what is no fun? No fun at all? Colds. Colds are zero fun. And then to add insult to injury…..a cold in triple digit heat is even worse! I’m speaking from first hand experience. 

I’ve been battling a scratchy, sore throat and cough for about 2 weeks now. But yesterday, I woke up in full on head cold mode. And I was so mad! When I feel like I’m getting sick, I fight those germs with all my might. I take extra vitamins, I think positive thoughts (mind over matter, right?), I make sure to rest (well, as best a mom of 2 small boys can), and I’m diligent about handwashing- mine and everyone else’s (I’m referring to you, small children of mine). So when I actually do get sick, I take it personally. As if I’ve failed at something. I eat right, I exercise, I take vitamins, I’ve never smoked. I mean come on, I’m a good kid. I shouldn’t be getting sick! <<<side note: I’m well aware that good kids get sick, too. I know that germs and viruses don’t discriminate against good or bad kids. I dedicate that moment of illogic to my generic store-brand cold & flu medicine.>>>

So here I am, afflicted with all the symptoms that make up one helluva cold. A sore throat so terrible that even drinking coffee pains me (a personal hell for some of us, I’m sure). A hacking cough so loud and persistent that one of my students told me yesterday that I should consider switching to menthols (once again, I’ve never smoked). A nose that one moment is running like a faucet, and the next is so stuffed up it feels like a pair of throw pillows have taken up residence in my nostrils. 

And let’s not forget the unattractive part of being sick. You hear things like, “Are you ok? You look like you’re upset. Have you been crying?” Well no, I haven’t been crying, but the idea hasn’t entirely escaped me either. Or then there’s “Are you sleeping alright? You look really tired.” I’m sleeping as well as some one can when their nasal passage is dysfunctional majority of the night. And let’s be honest, these questions are really just the PC terms for, “Dang girl! You look like shit!”  Yep. And that’s exactly how I feel. 

But you can’t really blame people when they say these things, can you? I mean you are walking around looking like a mix of a hungover person who just went through a really bad break-up, with the distinct smell of Vicks Vapor rub and Halls cough drops wafting off of you. You have that sad, watery, half awake look to your eyes. Due to your stuffed up nose, you are now rocking the mouth-breather look. Which is causing dry, chapped lips. And let’s not forget that your ears are also stuffed up, so you can’t hear a damn thing. So you keep asking them (really you’re shouting because you can’t hear your own self talking) “WHAAAAT?” over and over again in your “sick” voice. Your “sick” voice sounds like the love child of a hungover college frat boy who just woke up, and a 1-900 number adults-only phone operator. 

Yep. That aforementioned description describes this sexy hot mess yours truly. I know, like I tell him everyday, my husband is a rucky, rucky guy. 

And to make matters worse, it’s so freaking hot outside. It’s 105 degrees out. No thank you. I don’t wanna. You know how when you’re sick you just want to lay on the couch in sweatpants with your favorite blanket? Yeah, I would like to do that too. Instead I have to opt for boxer shorts, a tank top and cool washcloths while laying directly in front of the air conditioner. At this point I don’t know what I want to go away first, the heat or this stupid cold. It’s a toss-up, really. 

And when I get sick, I need some one or something to blame. Was it the gross shopping cart handle at Target? Nah, I use those disinfectant wipes on the handle. Could it be from the weights at the gym? Possibly, but I always use antibacterial gel and/or wash my hands after I use them. Could it be that Big Brother is now in kindergarten and he and his fellow classmates all convened at the lunch table, pooled together all the germs they could muster, then packed them in their lunchboxes to bring home to their unsuspecting moms? Likely, very likely. I think we’re getting warmer. Or could it be from cute, blonde Little Brother who visits Kids Club daily while I’m teaching my classes? Could he have caught some other toddler’s yuckiness, let it live dormant in his body, and then pass it on to me that magical moment when he sneezed in my face while I just happened to have my mouth open? Ding, ding, ding. I think we might have a winner. 

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Conclusion: No matter how cute they are, kids are gross. 

So now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go search Craigslist and see if there’s any low-budget horror film looking for stay-at-home-mom zombies. I think I’m exactly what they’re looking for, mouth breathing and all. Good thing I live in LA. And good thing Halloween’s coming. 

Also, I have to go take another round of these

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Stay healthy, my friends. 

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Responses

  1. I don’t have kids of my own but as a teacher I couldn’t stop laughing after reading this–> “Conclusion: No matter how cute they are, kids are gross.” 🙂

    • It’s so true!
      And God Bless you teachers. You have amazing patience, compassion, creativity and immune systems! : )


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